@chrissyteigen: "Whose funeral was this photo taken at?" John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said
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@kiralc: explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents "he didn't mean it" "you guys just don't know him like I do"
@U_Want_Shum_M8: One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
@david8hughes: [first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything
@wolfpupy: if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world