Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.