Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You Might Also Like
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.