“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on