“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.