Why are bridges so flammable.
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.