Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.