Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Best spoiler warning ever
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.