Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder