Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
When you’re here for the treats.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*