Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
sry
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
United Steaks of America
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.