Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*