Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
@ candidates for local office
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?