Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
🍛
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
it was a valiant fight
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.