“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.