not to brag, but mine was free
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
RT if you could go either way.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”