Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Finally, an instrument I can play!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.