Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.