I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.