Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
You Might Also Like
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me in tagged photos
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.