You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no