Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood