@audipenny: Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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@caliluvgirl77: Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window Wish I didn't have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
@theroneman: Son, there's only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
@ashmensch: "Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants." - Me, drunk at Target
@Roohani19: Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".