@audipenny: Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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@Diversion50: [at interview] INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you? ME: Peter Piper. INTERVIEWER: What does he do? ME: It's difficult to say.
@DothTheDoth: I can't wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
@omgthatspunny: My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.
@JermHimselfish: I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.