Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Growing out my freckles.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant