Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*