Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Mornin
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.