“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.