“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
This fish is cracking me up
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.