Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
do u think theres a butter planet?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’