“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists