@GrandadJFreeman: Why can't the T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's extinct.
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@causticbob: At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
@Papa_Mex: I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.
@hazelmotes1: Press Conference: How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything? Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*