Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Happy thanksgiving!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.