Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in