The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
You Might Also Like
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket