He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
crazy
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently