Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
For anyone who needs this today
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.