Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.