Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations