“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Only Americans understand
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”