Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache