@dreamthievin: Why didn't Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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@UncleBob56: Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS? Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast? N: Yes? M: I can't do that.
@causticbob: To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"
@OneFunnyMummy: Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever