Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Thursday
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…