Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You Might Also Like
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?