@Try2StopME: Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

@Sickayduh: Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you A) hole B) cool C) what I did there D) bag?

@_Shizzle: Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

@ag_loco: Dear men, We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way - women P.s you're reading this tweet wrong

@CoolCamel69: *pulls home cooked meal out of oven* *family awkwardly stares at me* Yup, this is definitely not my house.