Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.