Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My neck, my back, my…
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.