Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.