*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
j o i m p
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong