@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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@briangaar: Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing "thank you"
@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time