@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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@underchilde: I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@NurseSeymour: Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
@Urfavgoodboy: You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.