Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.