@NYC_Blonde: Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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@khook32: If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
@noog: Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you? "Regular coffee with cream please" That's $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales. "TEN?"
@courtneyno: The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.
@DaddyJew: Coworker: people around the office think you're too controlling Me: what's that? Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*