Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Fluff me with a fork baby
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.