Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Cats are still liquid.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Wait a minute